“Was the Darkness always there? Was all it needed to infiltrate a lack of determination to keep it out? and had I really done all this to myself, by myself, by being the little I was? I was so tired of hating myself. But I was so good at it, it was such a comfortable way to be, goddamn fucking flotsam on the high seas, the low tide, a little wad of nothing shrugging and saying Hey sorry, I didn’t mean it, I didn’t know it was loaded, I didn’t think things would turn out this way. It’s so easy to be nothing. It requires very little thought or afterthought, you can always find people to drink with you, hang out with you, everybody needs a little nothing in their life, right? Call the specialist when you do. You don’t even have to call, chances are I’ll already be there, you’ve just overlo…oked me because I’m in a corner, crouched like a dustball, a cobweb, my busy little spaced-out grin and oops it seems I’ve stumbled on some sort of exalted hellhole, Funhole, do excuse me while I let it out, while I let it into my body, while I let it run my life because somebody has to, right? somebody has to take the goddamned brunt even if it’s a void.” -The Cipher by Kathe Koja
Not feeling wompy at all, just was talking about this book the other night and forgot how much I love this part. It’s a feeling I know but lately, it has disipated, and that makes everyday better.
So here I am, on the verge of ending my first contract with Lindblad Expeditions. How do I feel? Afraid. But not the normal paralyzing fear that usually takes hold of me. So many things have broken, literally, and in a more vague sense since I’ve been here, but I feel better equipped to handle it. I have more goals than I ever have, however small they may be compared to other people, or compared to the grand scheme of things. But why compare that way. For me, this has been absolutely life changing. I have met people here who have led the most incredible lives, have stories and experiences that would define most people… but they have several of these tales to tell. Here they are, talking to me, when THIS has been my biggest adventure.
I am so grateful for this time here. Especially Alaska. Despite the heat and humidity of Costa Rica and Panama, the rougher seas, sleepless nights, and wavering crew morale, I think of leaving the good ship Sea Lion, and it brings a swell of emotions up my throat.
This place is a home to me now. An all encompassing world I have existed in for many months. I will tear away soon and it will go on, without me.
It is strange to explain. It’s a job, but not just a job. I learned to value of hard work, community, being reliable and able to rely on complete strangers, and people you don’t even like. There is a difference between friends and good aquaintances you like a lot. Hardworkers arent always the best employees.
Here, you are not alone and you cannot fail, even when you want to be and even when you’re sure you will.